All parents know that no two children are the same. They all bring their own challenges and require you to adjust your parenting style accordingly. This is true for neurotypical children and even more so for neurodivergent children.
However, when you have to parent both types of children, the level of adjustment needed can feel extreme, which can be very stressful. As a mum to both neurotypical and neurodivergent children, I have noticed some key differences.
Three Key Differences
1. Potty Training
Potty training is one of the main areas where I have noticed a difference between my children. My son, who is autistic, took two and a half years to learn to stay dry during the day, while my neurotypical daughter did it in less than two months. Considering the difficulties I faced potty training my son I was terrified to train my daughter, but I was surprised and relieved by how quickly she picked it up.
I think this difference is because at two and a half years old, when I started training them both, their level of understanding differed. It was difficult for my son to grasp the concept of potty training at that age because of his autism which delayed his development. I understand this now, but at the time I was training him it wasn’t clear, so there was much frustration, many tears and of course many starts and stops.
When he was three and a half, I decided to get serious and focus on keeping him dry in the house. This meant he was still wearing pull-ups at nursery and when we went out because he couldn’t speak and couldn’t tell me when he needed to go. Sometimes he refused to have his nappy changed at nursery and I would then have to go and change him.
By the time he started reception, a year later than planned he was able to stay dry in the house because he knew where his potty was when he needed to go. The next hurdle was getting him to stay dry at school because I was told he could not wear pull-ups. This was incredibly difficult at first because his one-to-one often left him in wet pants and trousers when he refused to go to the toilet. To help with this I put his potty in the bathroom so he could get used to going to the bathroom for the toilet and eventually got him to use the toilet instead.
As for school, he didn’t like his one-to-one teacher, I honestly didn’t either, so he did not listen to them, but when his assistant was changed, he stopped wetting himself and went to the toilet instead. That was a triumphant moment for both of us.
Having to wear pants to school instead of pull-ups is what helped him learn to stay dry outside the house and forced me to face my fear of putting him in pants while outside the house. Now, at 6 years old, he stays dry indoors and outdoors during the day, but we still have to deal with night time training, so he still wears pull-ups at night. I know I need to overcome my fears here too and get over the trauma of training during the day… Pray for me.
My daughter, on the other hand, as I mentioned, learned to potty train quickly, and although she is still learning to potty train and has accidents, she doesn’t wear pull-ups to nursery. So, I’m pretty confident that by the time she gets to preschool, she’ll be a pro and I won’t have to face the same challenges as my son.
2. Communication
Communication is another area where my children differ. My daughter, who is two, talks a lot more than my son, who is 6. She can express her needs clearly almost all the time, which is probably one of the reasons why potty training was easier for her.
At two years old, my son could not speak at all. If he wanted something, he either brought it to me or I had to guess what he wanted. All he could say was “bye” and he said that to everything you said or asked him. As you can imagine, this became quite stressful for both of us at times and ended in a meltdown for him and tears for me when it got too much.
Due to his communication difficulties, I had to take him to various appointments to get him assessed before he could attend his speech and language sessions. As he got older, his understanding got a bit better because he could follow simple instructions, but he couldn’t answer a question, for example.
Since starting school, however, his speech has developed significantly and he can express his needs more, albeit only in one-word phrases rather than sentences, but he will get there slowly but surely. He is still nowhere near his little sister who can chat for England and sometimes I do not know which one I prefer because she is sometimes much more difficult to handle than her brother.
I guess what I’m saying is that there is a big difference in communication between neurotypical and neurodivergent children, which can often be the cause of many other problems that SEN parents face because they have to figure out what their children want beyond babyhood with no specific age in sight of when they will talk. This can be stressful for both the parent and the child, but early intervention from relevant professionals, such as speech and occupational therapists, can help mitigate this and has certainly helped my son.
So, if you know any SEN parents, cut them some slack as they are doing their best to help their children navigate a world that is not yet as understanding and accommodating to their needs.
3. Diet
My children also differ in their eating habits. My son’s diet became more and more restrictive when he was about two years old. He no longer wanted to eat fruit or vegetables and only ate beige-coloured dry foods like pasta, rice, crisps, and biscuits. Also known as the beige diet.
He did not like anything wet or slimy, so he didn’t initially eat pasta or rice with sauce. As he got older, he sometimes ate it with sauce and sometimes without. He is still very much on the beige diet with no fruit and veg, but he loves pizza.
I’ve been to the nutrition clinic with him and have had many sessions with the dietitian, but he eats what he likes, and I don’t worry about it anymore because I cannot force him to eat something he doesn’t want, even though a balanced diet would do him good. I still introduce him to different foods and the school meals have helped him diversify too.
I used to be very concerned about his weight and that he wasn’t getting enough nutrients, but I’ve come to terms with this and try to incorporate vitamins into his diet in other ways, such as mixing fruit (especially bananas) into his porridge or making sure he takes daily vitamin supplements.
My daughter, on the other hand, has no problems with food, she eats just about everything, so I don’t worry about her in the same way. The only noticeable thing with her is that she doesn’t always eat her food when she is supposed to. Instead, she waits until it’s time for bed to eat it so she can delay her bedtime. She thinks she’s smart, but I’m on to her.
Speaking of eating, my daughter could feed herself with cutlery at two years old, something my son struggled to do at that age. This meant that I couldn’t take care of other things while he ate because I had to feed him first.
He only started feeding himself using cutlery at five years old and his grip is still improving. Once he started doing it himself, it gave me some time back to do other things, like prepare his lunch box for school or get his sister ready. Something you may not even think about with a neurotypical child.
Neurodivergent and neurotypical children can have different eating habits, with the former being very restrictive. This can often be an extra weight for parents when it comes to preparing meals, especially when are siblings involved. This is not to say that neurotypical children cannot have specific eating habits, but neurodivergent children often do due to their sensory needs.
A Little Encouragement
There are other areas where neurotypical and neurodivergent children differ, areas that SEN parents worry about. Some of these include advocating for their children to get the right support that they need or pushing to get their children into schools that sometimes refuse to admit them. Check out my article on my struggles trying to get my son into school here. So, as you can see although I have detailed three there are many other differences in parenting neurodivergent and neurotypical children.
As much as we teach our children, they also teach us how to be better parents and one of the lessons I’ve learned from my son is that communication can take many forms, not just verbal.
Parenting in general can be very challenging and very rewarding at the same time, but these demands and rewards are multiplied in neurodivergent children. Although all parents deserve their flowers, those with neurodivergent children deserve all that and more because they have to work extra hard to raise them.
And with that I’ll leave you with this
Parenting is a journey of growth, both for the child and the parent. Mistakes are inevitable, but success is possible if we learn to correct those mistakes.
