Suicide! When life becomes unbearable.

Have things ever become so bleak that you think for a moment about ending it all because it really seems to be the only way out?

Life can throw a few grenades in one’s path that can explode and destroy existence for some.

Everyone has a limit to which they can endure anything before they lose their mind or hope, and it’s at this point that the struggle can make or break you.

Sadly, some choose to end it all, and sometimes I wonder why I didn’t, even though I wanted to many times.

Story Time

Being all alone in the UK, with no family and relying on the mercy of strangers was extremely hard for me at times.

I had no ID because I was left at a social services office without one. This made it difficult to live in the UK where you need ID for almost everything.

As you can imagine, it was hard for me to get into school, get a bank account and even get an age-appropriate Oyster Card when it was introduced. Sometimes I had to walk because I couldn’t take the bus.

I had thought about suicide several times, but it wasn’t until I left foster care and was out on my own that I tried it.

A life without meaning

I remember sitting on the bus on the way home one day, it was a beautiful sunny day, and I was looking out the window thinking about the meaning of my life.

What was I here for?

I started to think of all my current obstacles and those that lay ahead of me. I had no one, I didn’t know how I was going to get into university or find a job. The future looked bleak.

I had obtained my indefinite leave to remain in the UK while still living in foster care (mostly thanks to my foster mother), but I still did not have a photo ID.  Before I could apply to the Home Office for a travel document (it looks like a passport but restricts where you can travel to), I first had to apply to the Ugandan embassy for a passport because I was from there.

The embassy refused to grant me a Ugandan passport. The Home Office wouldn’t grant me any form of photo ID unless the embassy put their refusal in writing, they refused to do that also. Their reasoning was that I had no proof that I was from there.

Now, what did that have to do with granting me a refusal letter to this day I don’t know. This left me stateless, and hopeless. I was in a catch 22 so as far as I was concerned, no one would have missed me if I end it all.

The attempt

When I got home, I tried to hang myself, but it didn’t work because there was no adequate place in my house to hang a rope. So instead, I prayed every night not to get up in the morning. That didn’t work either, because I got up every morning, and that always made me angry.

I would wake up and cry every morning asking God why I was still alive.

I am grateful to one of my friends at the time who encouraged me to write to the Home Office and narrate the incidents with the Ugandan Embassy. I hoped that they’d show mercy and grant me what I needed.

To my surprise, they did grant me the photo ID even though I didn’t have all the required documents. This helped me get into university and eventually apply for citizenship and a British passport.

A Little Encouragement

The 3 things this experience taught me:

1. The importance of having friends to encourage you when you’ve given up, or someone to talk to a problem shared is a problem halved, as they say, and even if you don’t have any such friends, Google is everyone’s friend these days for finding encouraging quotes or sayings.

2. Don’t lose hope, because things will get better, they must – the sun always rises after the night.

3. Keep busy with the things that you can do – this prevents you from overthinking.

For all of you who are suffering and thinking about suicide, I promise things will get better; miracles do happen.

And with that, I’ll leave you with this:

“Suicide doesn’t end the possibility of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.”

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