Sometimes parents make decisions that affect their children well into adulthood, but there are always reasons for those decisions, whether they’re good or bad.
As a child, you may not fully understand this, which makes you confused and angry, but as you get older and your understanding gets better, you become more forgiving and realise that your parents aren’t perfect.
Storytime
My mother gave me away at the age of 4 to my father’s friend who became a father figure to me until he brought me to the UK and abandoned me at a social services office.
As a young child, of course, I didn’t understand why my mother gave me away. All I knew was that I no longer lived with her and, as far as I can remember, only saw her occasionally when I was in Uganda.
This left me with an identity crisis and a sense of not belonging. Although the family I was given to treated me like their own child, I still knew I didn’t really belong, if that makes sense.
While in Uganda, my mother always knew where to find me. But when I came to Britain all contact was broken because she didn’t know exactly where I was, and I didn’t know where she was.
Time passed
So, many years went by without contact, and I’ll be honest, I was angry for a long time because I felt abandoned and unwanted by her and later by the only father I knew. I grew up feeling worthless and unlovable and was very closed off.
Anyway, around 2007 my mother managed to contact me through social services to let me know she wasn’t well, but I didn’t want to hear it. Although I allowed her to have my contact details.
I believe she had found me through my father’s friend who had brought me here. Social services had tracked him down a couple of years before because his daughter whom he had left also wanted to go back home. That’s a whole other story.
Forgiveness
Over the years, after hearing stories from other family members who had contacted me, I began to understand why things happened. I started to feel more empathic towards my mother and thought about how difficult it would have been for her given I was her only child.
I can’t imagine what she went through because at one point she thought I was sold. With a change of perspective, I forgave my mother and in 2016, we reunited when I returned to visit Uganda for the first time since coming to the UK in 2000.
It was an incredible feeling despite no longer speaking my language and her not speaking English fully.
A little encouragement
Everything happens for a reason. In this case, my mum was not able to look after me and saw a better opportunity for me elsewhere. For you, the reasons may be different but what I have learned is that no one is perfect not even our parents.
They may have made bad decisions with good intentions, but you don’t have to let their decisions define who you are and what you become.
And with that I’ll let you with this:
“Parents make mistakes just like you’ll make mistakes. Your job is to learn from their mistakes not repeat them.”
Rita Yvonne
